Vulnerability sounds like truth & feels like courage.

Once you get your heart broken, you start making lists.

Things you want next. Things you absolutely will not tolerate. Oh he did this? Well I definitely want someone who does the exact opposite. Qualities you desire. Physical attributes. Life goals.

We begin to make deadly comparisons. We come up with bars set way too high because we felt that our last bars that caused us so much hurt, so much heartache, weren’t high enough. And then it hit me — that’s putting the blame of a failed relationship on one person. Actually, it’s putting the blame solely on you.

And you’re making lists to take it out on the next soul who finds you wonderful enough to spend time with you. You start making comparisons to your list — what do they check off?  What are they missing? And I think we’re missing the point. These comparisons to these lists are comparisons to relationship ghosts of our pasts. It’s not the lists we’re comparing these new prospects to, y’all.

Imagine when that hits you, at 3pm on a Saturday, when you’re stuck in bed with strep throat. What a revelation. What a slap in the face. What a cathartic moment, and no ability to share ANY excitement. WHERE ARE THE LIGHTBULBS AND THE NEWS CAMERAS FOR THIS MOMENT?!

But really. What is it that anyone in a relationship wants? To be validated, cared for, listened to, held, to laugh, to trust, and to be loved. If these are all met, do your petty lists matter? No. I don’t think they do.

We often get hurt and tend to lose sight of what the goodness of other people looks like. We say we’re ready, and we try, and then we run. We run from what looks good, what feels right, and what would work really well for us. And still we run. Then we scream, cry, and throw our hands in the air at all of the conquests that have failed. We reach out to our friends for that glass of wine or hug at each new “fling” that burns out as quickly as it started. This happens because we aren’t searching for what we need — we’re searching for what we think we want. The Mr. Right Now, not the Mr. Forever (thanks, Sugarland.)

But what we need, and what our heads think we want, are two different things. Two different scenarios. My favorite social worker, Brene Brown, has written books about being vulnerable and opening yourself up to love and opportunity. Two of my least favorite things. But, it makes sense. To open yourself up to being vulnerable creates so many open doors. In my professional life, in my personal life, and in the lives of others. It is diving into the unknown. It is leaving your comfort zone. It is living.

So what I’ve recently come to learn is this — what you think you want, isn’t necessarily true. What you think you need, you do. Trust in the process of trusting someone else. Let yourself open up and become vulnerable. Stop being afraid of the what-ifs, and live in the now. So what if things don’t work out? So what if it is not what you thought it would be? Everything happens for a reason, and that doesn’t just include the bad. Good things happen, too. Stop losing sight of the good. Start seeing the good in everything again. Believe in the magic that is this world. Revel in the beauty of pure joy. Breathe in fresh air.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been trying to live. I’ve been doing all of these things above that I just waggled my finger at. When I am able to sit down and (try to) breathe, this is what I can realize. Life moves too fast sometimes, but it’s important to sit down and look at your decisions, the patterns they make, and what path you’re trying to create for yourself.

Every decision you make is your advertisement to the world of who you are and where you are headed.

I think with my third graduation coming up in the next few months, I’ve been better at doing this lately. I don’t want to hold grudges, I want to get my dream job, I want to be independent. But I have also now accepted vulnerability. I want to be open to others, as others have been open to me.

Just a little food for thought from your favorite, somewhat dormant blogger.